Jan's Posts - Page 5 of 7

Jan’s Seven Must Do’s for Expressing Your Love

Dick Knuth January 4, 2019 Parenting Leave a Comment

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I've listed these suggestions in order of importance, based on my experience with my kids as well what I've heard from their friends.

1. Spend TIME with your kids

Notice this is number ONE on my list? Ask any adult what this means to them and I'm sure you'll learn that it's important to everyone. Is that an eye opener or what?

The other options are just as important too, but it'll be tough to do anything else on this list if you don't spend time with them, don't you think? And it's not like you have to do anything wild and crazy. I mean, I understand that you probably work all day and are tired when you get home. But there are some simple things like:

Have meals together at the kitchen/dining table.
Let them sit with you in the kitchen while you're fixing dinner.
Let them watch you do the laundry; separating the colors, loading the machine and pouring in the soap are things that can be quite fascinating to a child.

These few activities give them time to say whatever's on their mind, and with my toddlers, this was a great time to slowly let them learn how to do some of these tasks themselves.

I know, it's hard to believe that you can show and tell your kids how much you love them every minute of every day simply by spending TIME with them isn't it?

(Refer to page 97 in the book to see a longer list of suggestions. I'm sure you'll find a few things that will work for you and your family.)

2. Show AFFECTION to your kids

This means HUGS and kisses and holding hands. Hugs give everyone a sense of security that can never be taken away. It's the best way to let your children know that you love them and are there for them even when times are tough; kids need to know this.

There a quite a few opportunities in a day when you can make that physical connection with them:

Pick your baby/child up and wrap your arms around her when she falls down.
Hold your baby's hand during those first few steps and keep on doing it every time you walk together.
Give him a hug when you see the awful look of disappointment on his face when he doesn't get an "A" on that report (for which she worked so hard).
Whenever you and your kids are walking together, hold hands or wrap your arms around each other's waists.
Make sure your kids hold hands with each other, too. Hey, you're all part of the same family!
Kiss the "owie" on his knee while holding his hand.

If you start the "hug habit" when your babies are newborns, it'll be so easy and so natural to continue it with them throughout their toddling years, their adolescent years, their teenage years (even when many kids think they're "too cool" to be seen with Mom), all the way up to adulthood.

3. LISTEN to your kids

God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Even if they barely know two words and the rest is just garble, be quiet and listen. Kids at every age truly believe they're saying something important. At least it's important to them. I know weird, but it's true. So, even if you don't understand a word they're saying...

Look at them when they talk or attempt to talk. Your kids are watching your facial expressions, that's how they know you are listening.
Respond to them when they talk...one word or sound works: "Hmmm," "yes," "no," "that's interesting," is probably all you need with babies and toddlers.
Adolescents and teens usually only want a "sounding board," so one-word responses usually suffice. However, and only when asked, you've got to be prepared to offer your opinions and advice.
So listen to your kids when they tell you about that fascinating beetle they found on the way home from school.
And listen while your son or daughter talks and cries about the "owie" in their heart because they just got their feelings hurt by a friend.
More importantly, listen to them when they talk about their friends, other kids or teachers. This is what gives you a clue as to what's going on in their lives, how they feel about it and how it affects their world outside your home.

This is such an important part of raising kids that I've addressed it a few times: Check out the section in the book about when you might be able to do this on page 44, and then review my "3-Second Rule" on page 100 for more help.

4. Set and enforce BOUNDARIES and RULES

I know this sounds kind of weird, but really, this shows that you care about your kids' behavior, health, and welfare. Also, you are teaching them how they will be expected to act when they are teenagers and eventually grownups. So to begin,

Don't ever assume your kids know what you mean or expect of them. You'll always need to explain to them, or show them, exactly what you expect them to do and how to do it, especially if they look at you like you have four heads. (This is kind of like dealing with grownups too, right?)
Yes, you will have to tell them a thousand or a million times! Get over it!
Set and enforce bedtimes because that leads to enforcing curfews. Kids need sleep and so do you so you all can function the next day. C'mon, you must know that this becomes a safety issue too, right? Surely you don't want your 14-year-old daughter arguing about staying out till 11 pm on a school night, do you? (I mean, the mall is closed so where would she want to go at that hour anyway?) Not to mention the fight it'll take to wake her up at the crack of dawn the next morning.
Teach your little ones to sit on chairs at the dinner table; standing up and screaming shouldn't be acceptable in any situation. It's annoying and dangerous if they fall. Besides, you don't want your kids to be "those kids" who are climbing on furniture in public or at a friend's house when they're 15, do you?
Assign them age-appropriate household chores as soon as they can walk. That might be putting their toys in a toy box every night, putting things in the trash can, or helping you to push the buttons to start the washing machine or the dishwasher. As they get older you can show them how to sort laundry and load the dishwasher. Remind them as to when these things need to be done; put toys away every night before bedtime, trash to be put in can immediately, laundry is done on Wednesdays, dishes immediately after dinner, etc.
PRAISE them when they help even if they do something a little bit wrong. I admit housework sucks. But that's why you need to start your kids on some of this stuff at a really early age while they still think it's fun to "help Mom." Your praise is what's going to keep them doing these things as they grow up because this teaches them to take pride in their own good work. The other bonus is that your kids will know what it means to pick up after themselves, make their bed, do their own laundry and wash their own dishes when they finally decide to move out and live on their own. Pretty clever don't you think? If you don't like cursing in your household, tell them which words are acceptable to use or not use. I'm sure you can imagine how this one can bite you in the butt when they get to school.

5. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH, aka, set a good example of good behavior

The easiest way to enforce your rules and boundaries (mentioned on page 52 in the book) is for you to follow the same exact rules. I think we all know that our kids are little parrots because YouTube is full of funny kid videos. So you know where they learn this stuff, right? Set them up for good behavior and therefore success down the road by watching your own behavior.

6. TELL your kids, as often as you possibly can, how much you love them

As Ken Blanchard always says, "Keep your 'I love yous' up to date!". This is a good plan for everyone in your life! Here are some opportunities where you can do that:

Each time you part ways for the day, (daycare, school, work, drugstore runs) exchange hugs and "I love yous."
Greet each other every day when you wake up with a "Good morning, sweetheart/honey (or whatever rolls off your tongue), I love you so much!"
Each night when you go to bed, tuck your babies in with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you."
Say "I love you" each time you finish a phone call with them. (I still do that with both my grown kids even though my son still doesn't say it back: I'm still the mom so it's my "job.")
Or say it just because you feel it any time of the day or night.

7. Use POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT and PRAISE

Remember those boundaries and rules in Must Do #4? When your children are still toddlers they are just learning so most things they attempt to help you with are going to be, shall I say, less than perfect? Regardless, you need to encourage them with some praise because if you don't, asking for their help will be a nightmare. So,

When they do help even when the outcome is less than perfect, thank them for their help.
When they help and it's all good, thank them and praise them for a job well done.
Tell your kids that you're proud of them on a regular basis.
Tell them that they're great kids and you really enjoy being with them.

Well, what do you think? Did you come up with a few ideas of your own? (If you decide to print a hard copy, this might be a good page to mark with a sticky note to which you can add your ideas.)

Are Your Workaholic Habits Destroying Your Relationship with Your Kids?

Dick Knuth December 29, 2018 Parenting Leave a Comment

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I've listed these suggestions in order of importance, based on my experience with my kids as well what I've heard from their friends.

My mission in life as a former single mom is to help all working parents to understand that parenting is not about money and it’s not a popularity contest, it’s about growing self-confident, responsible, and mostly successful adults.

I was a single mom of two for approximately 14 years while working full time with zero family or supportive friends nearby. I did it on a shoe-string budget, very little sleep, and a helluva lot of prayers. No, I’m not sub-human, but many have noticed that I was always yawning and napping on my lunch breaks.

So, what does a "Workaholic" look like?

A stressed-out mess, right? LOL! But seriously,

How many of you work nine – ten-hour days most days?
How many of you bring work home every single night? Or even over the weekends and end up by working one or two days almost every single weekend a month?
How many of you are checking and replying to your email on your smartphone 24/7?
Do you have high blood pressure?
Do you carry around an extra ten-plus pounds?

Ok, ok those last two can apply to everyone, workaholic or not, LOL!!!

Anyway, if you answer yes to at least one of the first three questions, then you are a borderline workaholic but you aren’t so far gone that you can’t be saved.

If you answer yes to two or more of the first three questions, yes, admit it, you are workaholic: you need help now!

And if you answer yes to all five questions, you might consider another line of work or a live-in helper! Ha, ha, ha!

Why is this a Big Deal?

Three reasons:

First, if you are too busy to really pay attention, your kids could be teenagers before you realize there’s a problem.

And second, the most important reason: There are no Do-Overs when it comes to raising your kids. It’s not like if you miss their first birthday or their first day of school, you can go back and try again. Once these life-changing milestones pass you by, they are gone.

Lastly, contrary to that old saying, “kids are so resilient,” they are not. Take a look at the news and notice how many people are dealing with depression, thoughts of suicide, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, and picking up guns and shooting classmates. The number of people on a first name basis with their counselor is crazy! I’ll tell you what, if you want some job security, become a psychiatrist or prison guard.

Does this tell you that kids are resilient? Ha!

There are a gazillion hard workers / workaholics / entrepreneurs out there who do just that and they have wonderful lives, dont' you think?

What I think is that their lives aren’t as wonderful and beautiful as the perception that they are. Dressing nice and driving a Mercedes doesn’t mean that life is rosy on the home front.

If you think about it, the issue of the hard-working father/ mother has been depicted in movies for as long as I can remember... husbands missing dinner, kids events, or just missing. Since I’m writing this in December, I can think of a couple Christmas themed movies that illustrate this point: Elf and The Santa Clause.

If you are living in a cave and don’t know those movies, here are a few more you might recognize:

“Liar, Liar” with Jim Carey. He was always missing his son’s events because of work and lying about it although it was usually work-related.
“Jungle to Jungle” with Tim Allen. Speaking of an absent Dad!
Harrison Ford in “Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull”... too busy didn’t even know he had a son (played by Shia LeBeouf).
In the original “Star Wars,” Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker had some real issues... Luke didn’t know who his real father was... yeah the guy was out pursuing his dream of destroying the world. Then they finally have their quick reunion in “The Empire Strikes Back” and Luke loses a hand. That one is number one on the Rolling Stone list of worst movie fathers!

There’s even a famous song by Harry Chapin, called Cat’s in the Cradle. Check out these lyrics:

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, Dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

(Click to view the entire lyric)

Many real-life fathers and mothers seem to really believe that their kids or spouses would rather have the money and stuff you can buy for them, over spending time with them. And it’s just not true.

So, is hard work a Bad Thing?

No I’m not saying that at all.

Those of you who know me personally know that I worked my ass off for many years as a single parent to keep a roof over my kids’ heads, food on the table and a fairly clean house... And that’s not unreasonable. But, what I did not do was ignore them or what was going on in their world.

No one plans to ignore their kids. So, how does this problem start?

Many people such as yourself (and me too) get an idea for a business and are passionate and excited about it. So much so that we go at it full speed and barely make time to sleep or eat.

Even if its “just” a full-time job, many of us get caught up in the excitement of the task at hand and slowly start working late...first one day a week, but eventually it works up to every day of the week, and then we start bringing work home. Before we know it, we’re working 10 or more hours a day, and 6-7 days a week! We also get this stupid idea in our heads that if we don’t, the office will fall apart without us and the world will end.

Hmmmm...sound familiar?

This is ok if it’s just you and maybe a significant other but, sadly, if you have a family, well, too often those you love the most get left in the dust...and you slowly start to lose sight of what’s important.

Also many of you will justify your actions with comments such as, “I do this for you, honey,” or “for our family,” and “when this one project is done,” or “when the business is up and running we’ll have all the money in the world and we can then have anything we want, and life will be just wonderful!”

The problem is that while this is all happening, your kids and wife – if they’re not helping – are left on their own...they never see you or interact with you: You all become roommates for a few years...or however long it takes to get the business “up and running.”

Here are some signs that things aren't so wonderful at home

Let’s start with a new baby. Suppose you have a brand new baby in the midst of starting a new job. We all know how fast they grow... well, some of us do... and they’re really only babies for about two years. Do you know that that’s when all the cool developmental things happen?

You know,

Their first BM (LOL!),
The first time they hold their head up,
The first time they rolling over,
Begin crawling,
Take their first steps,
Say their first words.

Did you miss any of those milestones? Guess what? That’s it, you missed them and there are no do-over’s! Think about how that makes you feel.

These first few months are also when your baby starts to recognize you and your voice. That’s why most first words are Mama or Dada. What was your baby’s first word?

Babies also learn at a very young age who they can depend on for food, clothing, warmth and comfort when they’re sick. Was, or is, your baby crying all the time?

Or suppose your child is going through puberty? Do you want them to be talking to their friends about sex? Wouldn’t you rather he/she hears the facts from you?

Listen, Mom or Dad, if you miss just these first couple years you’re going to start noticing these really fun (not) behaviors as they get to be toddlers and then school age:

Violence in the form of hitting or throwing things
Talking back
Refusing to follow your direction / not doing what they’re told
Ignoring rules such as chores, curfews, checking in, etc...

Their behavior will eventually escalate to stealing, being destructive, and sometimes they turn in on themselves. You may also see various signs of depression such as becoming more anti-social, self-harm such as cutting, or excessive use of drugs or alcohol, or even suicide.

Would you be surprised to know that ALL of these behaviors are done to get your attention (good or bad) and ultimately your love and approval? Google it, it’s true!

It might not seem like such a big deal with toddlers but when these kids get into grade school it’s gonna cause problems in school as well as at home. And just imagine this behavior from a 15-year-old!

That’s some serious stuff!

What can you do as a workaholic who really is just trying to create a better life for your family?

First, I suggest all parents get your sh* together and review your priorities sooner rather than later because remember, with kids there are no do-overs! It’s not like your kids will just stay 10 years old until you decide they’re important and you have time for them. I mean really, how much “better” will your life be if your kids are stoned all the time and flunking out of school?

Note: One good way to start is to learn to manage your time better at work. Here’s a great reference written by my friend, Dr. Vicki Halsey - Hamster Revolution

Once you’ve got your head on straight with that, I encourage you to open your minds and hearts to these Seven “Must Do’s for Expressing Your Love.” And yes, I’d say they are listed in order of importance.

Jan’s Seven Must Do’s for Expressing Your Love

1. Spend TIME with your kids.

Notice this is number one on my list. That’s because it’s the most important for kids, as well as adults in any relationship. Now, most people would say that’s the problem, no time. Well, you’ll be happy to hear that all you need is one good quality hour a day! Seriously!

TIME was my “secret sauce” for raising my kids!

Yes, I understand when you’re up at the crack of dawn getting breakfast and kids dressed, then running off to daycare or school, no, there’s no time really to have any quality time. I get that. But you do have the evenings:

I had to pick up my kids from daycare (or after-school care when they got older) by 6 pm or I’d be charged $5 for every minute I was late. But I still had to fix dinner and deal with homework. There’s your time: while I was fixing dinner the kids were in the kitchen with me usually talking my ear off. (I wouldn’t let them go out and play while I was doing this because it would take too long to round them up again.) Then every dinner we sat at the table and continued to talk.

Did you get that? In the kitchen, talking and listening to each other, and then at the TABLE! Every, single night!

2. Show affection with your kids: HUGS, kisses and holding hands.

Hugs give everyone a sense of security that can never be taken away. It’s the best way to let your children know that you love them and are there for them even when times are tough. Kids need to know this.

There a quite a few opportunities in a day when you can make that physical connection with them:

Pick your baby/child up and wrap your arms around her when she falls down.
Hold your baby’s hand during those first few steps and keep on doing it every time you walk together.
Give him a hug when you see the awful look of disappointment on his face when he doesn’t get an “A” on that report (for which he worked so hard).
Whenever you and your kids are walking together, hold hands or wrap your arms around each other’s waists.
Make sure your kids hold hands with each other, too. Hey, you’re all part of the same family!
Kiss the “owie” on her knee while holding her hand.

If you start the “hug habit” when your babies are newborns, it’ll be so easy and so natural to continue it with them through their toddling years, their adolescent years, their teenage years (even when many kids think they’re “too cool” to be seen with Mom), all the way up to adulthood.

3. LISTEN to your kids.

God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Even if they barely know two words and the rest is just garble, be quiet and listen. Kids at every age truly believe they’re saying something important. At least it’s important to them. I know weird, but it’s true. So, even if you don’t understand a word they’re saying...

Look at them when they talk or attempt to talk. Your kids are watching your facial expressions, that’s how they know you are listening.
Respond to them when they talk...one word or sound works: “Hmmm, “yes,” “no,” “that’s interesting,” is probably all you need with babies and toddlers.
Adolescents and teens usually only want a “sounding board,” so one-word responses usually suffice. However, and only when asked, you’ve got to be prepared to offer your opinions and advice.
So listen to your kids when they tell you about that fascinating beetle they found on the way home from school.
And listen while your son or daughter talks and cries about the “owie” in their heart because they just got their feelings hurt by a friend.

More importantly, listen to them when they talk about their friends, other kids or teachers. This is what gives you a clue as to what’s going on in their lives, how they feel about it and how it affects their world outside your home.

This is such an important part of raising kids, that I’ve addressed it a few times in the book: Check out the section about when you might be able to do this on page 66 and then “Listening Skills” on page 69 for more help.

Keep your mouth shut:

Don’t interrupt. I like the 3-second rule: This means when someone finishes talking, pause for three seconds. This gives them the opportunity to keep talking if they haven’t yet completed a thought and it gives you time to think about what you might say as well as what effect it might have on the conversation. Keeping your kids talking is a good idea because the more they talk, the more you find out about your child and what’s going on in his or her life.
Don’t direct the entire conversation by sharing your similar stories (from “when you were a kid” because they really don’t care).
Don’t quiz them.
Don’t hand out advice if they don’t ask for it.
Don’t share what they tell you with your friends and relatives.
And whatever you do, don’t judge them!

4. Set and enforce BOUNDARIES and RULES.

I know this sounds kind of weird, but really, this shows that you care about your kids’ behavior, health and welfare. Also, you are teaching them how they will be expected to act when they are teenagers and eventually grownups. So to begin,

Don’t ever assume your kids know what you mean or expect of them. Explain or show them exactly what you expect them to do and how to do it if they look at you like you have four heads. (This is kind of like dealing with grownups too, right?)
Yes, you will have to tell them a thousand times! Get over it!
Set and enforce bedtimes because that leads to enforcing curfews.

Kids need sleep and so do you so you all can function the next day. C’mon, you must know that this becomes a safety issue too, right? Surely you don’t want your 14-year-old daughter arguing about staying out till 11 pm on a school night, do you? (I mean, the mall is closed so where would she want to go at that hour anyway?) Not to mention the fight it’ll take to wake her up at the crack of dawn the next morning.

Teach your little ones to sit on chairs at the dinner table; standing up and screaming shouldn’t be acceptable in any situation. It’s annoying and dangerous if they fall. Besides, you don’t want your kids to be “those kids” who are climbing on furniture in public or at a friend’s house when they’re 15 do you?
Assign them age-appropriate household chores as soon as they can walk. That might be putting their toys in a toy box every night, taking things to the trash can for you, or helping you to push the buttons to start the washing machine or the dishwasher. As they get older you can show them how to sort laundry or load the dishwasher.
Remind them as to when these things need to be done: Put toys away every night before bedtime, trash to be put in can immediately, laundry is done on Wednesdays, dishes immediately after dinner, etc.
PRAISE them when they help. Even if they do something a bit wrong. (More on that in Must Do #7, below.) I admit it, housework sucks. But that’s why you need to start your kids on some of this stuff at a really early age while they still think it’s fun to “help mom.” Your praise is what’s going to keep them doing these things as they grow up because they will eventually take pride in their own good work.
The other bonus is that your kids will know what it means to pick up after themselves, make their bed, do their own laundry and wash their own dishes when they finally decide to move out and live on their own. Pretty clever don’t you think?
If you don’t like cursing in your household, tell them which words are acceptable to use or not use. I’m sure you can imagine how this one can bite you in the butt when they get to school.

5. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

Aka, Set a good example of what good behavior looks like.
The easiest way to enforce your rules and boundaries mentioned above is for everyone to follow the same exact rules. I think we all know that our kids are little parrots because YouTube is full of funny kid videos. So you know where they learn this stuff, right? Set them up for good behavior and therefore success down the road by watching your own behavior.

6. TELL your kids, as often as you possibly can, how much you love them.

Ken Blanchard always says, "Keep your 'I love yous up to date! "
This is a good plan for everyone in your life! Here are some opportunities where you can do that:

Each time you part ways for the day (daycare, school, work, drugstore runs), exchange hugs and "I love yous."
Greet each other every day when you wake up with a "Good morning, sweetheart/honey (or whatever rolls off your tongue), I love you so much!"
Each night when you go to bed, tuck your babies in with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you."
Say "I love you" each time you finish a phone call with them. (I still do that with both my grown kids even though my son still doesn't say it back: I'm still the mom so it's my "job.")
Or say it just because you feel it any time of the day or night.

7. Use Positive Reinforcement and PRAISE.

Remember those boundaries and rules in Must Do #4? When your children are still toddlers they are just beginning to learn so most things they attempt to help you with are going to be, shall I say, less than perfect? Regardless, you need to encourage them with some praise because if you don't, asking for their help will be a nightmare. So,

When they do help even when the outcome is less than perfect, thank them for their help.
When they help and it's all good, thank them and praise them for a job well done.
Tell your kids that you're proud of them on a regular basis.
Tell them that they're great kids and you really enjoy being with them.

Well, what do you think? Did you come up with a few ideas of your own?

I think if you start when your babies are born this type of behavior will just become your new "normal" thus making your life and your household whole lot happier. So you should,

Continue through their terrible two's (which is probably one of the most trying times of your life);
Through their adolescence;
On through their teen years (when they say they don't need it, but this is when they really need it the most );
All the way through to their young adult years;
And then, it might end with your last breath.

If you do all these things, especially spend time with them, love them and listen to them, then you will learn a few things about your kids. As a matter of fact here are some of the things you should know about your kids:

Their friend' names,
Their friends’ parent’s names, ph#, and where they live,
Your kids’ hobbies,
All their favorites: color, foods (or least favorite foods), clothes, TV shows, places to go,
What they want to be when they grow up.

Ask yourself: Do YOU know any of these things about your kids and their world?

One of the most important things you will gain from these behaviors is your kid’s trust and respect for you. Don’t worry, your kids will always love you, but this is what will make them like you.

Remember, with kids, they will grow older whether you have time for them or not...and it’s up to you if you want to be a part of that.

Again, THERE ARE NO DO OVER’S so think about it, and be honest with yourself:

Are you a workaholic?
Can you see that your kids are displaying some crappy behaviors at home?
Can you think of some ways you can organize your time at work a little better so you can make that hour or two in the evenings with your family?

Your family already knows how important their relationship with you is, you are the one who needs to figure this out!

Sincerely,

Jan

Are You Raising a Bully?

Dick Knuth December 12, 2018 Parenting Leave a Comment

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What is a Bully?

First, let’s make sure we all have the same definition of what a bully is. Although there are a lot of sites with good definitions, I found that Wikipedia really did a good job of defining the term along with all the other related topics such as the victim of bullying.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying

Here’s the first line on that site:

Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate or aggressively dominate others.

Keep reading on the same page and you’ll learn more on how they feel – and I agree – bullies are made:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bullying#Of_bullies_and_accomplices

What's going on in your home?

Now that we have that foundation set, let’s see what’s going on with you and your kids. Here are five questions to ask yourself and then you candecide if there’s room for improvement:

Do you call your children or your spouse names such as stupid, crybaby, ignorant, useless, a failure, good for nothing?
Do you laugh at your children or your spouse when any one of them gets hurt or fails at something?
Do you spend most of your at-home time either ignoring your family members or yelling at everyone because you are tired, stressed, etc?
Do you beat your kids rather than spank them? (Do you know the difference? If you answer “No” to this part of the questions, it’s not a good thing.)
Do you withhold affection as a form of punishment? (i.e., “I’d love you more if you weren’t so annoying.”)

If you answer YES to most or all of these questions, then YES, you are probably raising a school bully.

Most school bullies are not happy children because of the way they are being treated at home, so many of these kids end up by doing all kinds of rotten things to get any attention (good or bad) from their parents. In some cases, this leads them to do stupid things like skipping school, picking on other kids (aka, bullying), fighting, stealing, etc. Also, keep in mind that most juvenile suicides and just as bad, school shooters have been bullied on a regular basis.

School Shooters: victims of bullying

Check out the quotes and information I found that lend some credibility to my previous statement.

This first bit of info is taken from a story by ABC news regarding the 1998 Jonesboro school shooting

In Johnson's deposition, he described Golden as being the one who initiated the shooting.
"He was, like, 'I've been thinking about doing some scaring of some people because I'm tired of them playing with me,'" Johnson said, according to an account of the deposition by The Arkansas Times.

The next article I found gave me this excerpt from an interview with Mrs. Sue Klebold, the mom of Dylan Klebold, one of the Columbine shooters. This one sentence that was buried in the story and not given much attention:

“He scratched an epithet on a locker of another student he thought was taunting him.”

This last quote is from Dylan’s friend Eric, who was the second shooter. It’s a bit of info gathered from his video diaries:

“He also kept journals and wrote about violence, wanting to have guns, how easy it was for him to lie to people and the pleasure he got from duping others, and included graphic fantasies about getting revenge on people who insulted him.”

Do you see that pattern from three different juvenile school shooters? Just in case, here are the keywords from all three, in a nutshell:

I’m tired of them playing with me.
A student he thought was taunting him.
Revenge on people who insulted him.

Is your child a victim of school bullies?

The next seven questions have a direct correlation to how target kids of bullies are usually being treated at home. Take a second to really think about your answers and how you feel about them.

Do you show any affection at all to your children?
Do you practice what you preach? AKA, set a good example with your own behavior?
Do you set and enforce boundaries or rules consistently?
Do you use positive reinforcement and praise?
Do you spend any quality, quiet time with your children?
Do you listen to your children and actually hear what they are saying?
Do you tell your kids that you love them on a regular/ daily basis?

So if you answer “No” to most or all of these questions, you may not be raising a bully, but you may have a very sad child.

This sad child will be more likely than others to show signs of being insecure, unsociable and very depressed. (Which is pretty much where I was until I found a good, inexpensive family counselor in my 20’s and 30’s.) Bullies look for the weak kids who are easy to overpower. So kids who feel like this about themselves are usually the targets of bullies. And you can see from the previous quotes, what these “target” kids might be capable of doing.

In the article for which I’ve included the next link, experts talk about things you can do to recognize and deal with your teen if you feel there’s something up with him or her:

Columbine Experts Offer Tips for Talking with Troubled Child

Let's NOT create bullies or victims or school shooters

I’ll tell you honestly, I don’t have all the answers, especially when there’s some serious mental illness involved. And I don’t believe all parents can possibly know everything or be “perfect” in everyone’s opinion (that’s usually what it is too, just an objective opinion) but I think we can hedge our bets a little bit more by subscribing to some preventative medicine.

With that in mind I’m thinking, all parents can easily start with some no-cost, preventative, positive behaviors the minute you bring your brand new baby home. Check out the following excerpt from my new book, “You Can’t Love Your Children Too Much.” (Shop Now!)

Jan's Seven Must-Do's for Expressing Your Love

1. Spend TIME with your kids.

TIME was my “secret sauce” for raising my kids!

Did you get that? In the kitchen, talking and listening to each other, and then at the TABLE! Every, single night!

2. Show affection with your kids: HUGS, kisses and holding hands.

There a quite a few opportunities in a day when you can make that physical connection with them:

Pick your baby/child up and wrap your arms around her when she falls down.
Hold your baby’s hand during those first few steps and keep on doing it every time you walk together.
Give him a hug when you see the awful look of disappointment on his face when he doesn’t get an “A” on that report (for which he worked so hard).
Whenever you and your kids are walking together, hold hands or wrap your arms around each other’s waists.
Make sure your kids hold hands with each other, too. Hey, you’re all part of the same family!
Kiss the “owie” on her knee while holding her hand.

3. LISTEN to your kids.

Look at them when they talk or attempt to talk. Your kids are watching your facial expressions, that’s how they know you are listening.
Respond to them when they talk...one word or sound works: “Hmmm, “yes,” “no,” “that’s interesting,” is probably all you need with babies and toddlers.
Adolescents and teens usually only want a “sounding board,” so one-word responses usually suffice. However, and only when asked, you’ve got to be prepared to offer your opinions and advice.
So listen to your kids when they tell you about that fascinating beetle they found on the way home from school.
And listen while your son or daughter talks and cries about the “owie” in their heart because they just got their feelings hurt by a friend.

Keep your mouth shut:

Don’t interrupt. I like the 3-second rule: This means when someone finishes talking, pause for three seconds. This gives them the opportunity to keep talking if they haven’t yet completed a thought and it gives you time to think about what you might say as well as what effect it might have on the conversation. Keeping your kids talking is a good idea because the more they talk, the more you find out about your child and what’s going on in his or her life.
Don’t direct the entire conversation by sharing your similar stories (from “when you were a kid” because they really don’t care).
Don’t quiz them.
Don’t hand out advice if they don’t ask for it.
Don’t share what they tell you with your friends and relatives.
And whatever you do, don’t judge them!

4. Set and enforce BOUNDARIES and RULES.

Don’t ever assume your kids know what you mean or expect of them. Explain or show them exactly what you expect them to do and how to do it if they look at you like you have four heads. (This is kind of like dealing with grownups too, right?)
Yes, you will have to tell them a thousand times! Get over it!
Set and enforce bedtimes because that leads to enforcing curfews.

Teach your little ones to sit on chairs at the dinner table; standing up and screaming shouldn’t be acceptable in any situation. It’s annoying and dangerous if they fall. Besides, you don’t want your kids to be “those kids” who are climbing on furniture in public or at a friend’s house when they’re 15 do you?
Assign them age-appropriate household chores as soon as they can walk. That might be putting their toys in a toy box every night, taking things to the trash can for you, or helping you to push the buttons to start the washing machine or the dishwasher. As they get older you can show them how to sort laundry or load the dishwasher.
Remind them as to when these things need to be done: Put toys away every night before bedtime, trash to be put in can immediately, laundry is done on Wednesdays, dishes immediately after dinner, etc.
PRAISE them when they help. Even if they do something a bit wrong. (More on that in Must Do #7, below.) I admit it, housework sucks. But that’s why you need to start your kids on some of this stuff at a really early age while they still think it’s fun to “help mom.” Your praise is what’s going to keep them doing these things as they grow up because they will eventually take pride in their own good work.
The other bonus is that your kids will know what it means to pick up after themselves, make their bed, do their own laundry and wash their own dishes when they finally decide to move out and live on their own. Pretty clever don’t you think?
If you don’t like cursing in your household, tell them which words are acceptable to use or not use. I’m sure you can imagine how this one can bite you in the butt when they get to school.

5. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

6. TELL your kids, as often as you possibly can, how much you love them.

Ken Blanchard always says, "Keep your 'I love yous up to date! "
This is a good plan for everyone in your life! Here are some opportunities where you can do that:

Each time you part ways for the day (daycare, school, work, drugstore runs), exchange hugs and "I love yous."
Greet each other every day when you wake up with a "Good morning, sweetheart/honey (or whatever rolls off your tongue), I love you so much!"
Each night when you go to bed, tuck your babies in with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you."
Say "I love you" each time you finish a phone call with them. (I still do that with both my grown kids even though my son still doesn't say it back: I'm still the mom so it's my "job.")
Or say it just because you feel it any time of the day or night.

7. Use Positive Reinforcement and PRAISE.

When they do help even when the outcome is less than perfect, thank them for their help.
When they help and it's all good, thank them and praise them for a job well done.
Tell your kids that you're proud of them on a regular basis.
Tell them that they're great kids and you really enjoy being with them.

My personal conclusions

I think if you start when your babies are born this type of behavior will just become your new "normal", thus making your life and your household whole lot happier. Keep in mind that children have their values and most beliefs imprinted on their spongy, immature little minds usually by the time they’re seven years old. Their behavior is a direct reflection of what they hear, see and imitate up until that point.
(Click here for supporting reference.)

So you should,

Continue with these Seven Must Do’s through their terrible two's (which is probably one of the most trying times of your life);
Through their adolescence;
On through their teen years (when they say they don't need it, but this is when they really need it the most );
All the way through to their young adult years;
And then, it might end with your last breath.

I hope this point of view and these suggestions make you stop and take a look at your own behaviors as a parent, as well as your children’s. Remember, it all starts at home. Everyone and everyone’s situation is different, so take what works for you and ditch the rest. I promise I won’t be offended...just honored that you took the time to hear other ideas for the sake of your family. With some luck and a prayer this will make a difference in your life and the lives of your children.

Sincerely,

Jan

Order "You Can't Love Your Children Too Much" by Dec. 25, get 20% off retail. BONUS GIFT: W/ each book order you will receive a "cover coordinated," eco-friendly, grocery tote (while supplies last)! CLICK here to buy now!

7 Tips to Save $$$ on Car Loans

Dick Knuth July 3, 2018 Business of Life Leave a Comment

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I've listed these suggestions in order of importance, based on my experience with my kids as well what I've heard from their friends.

1. You need to know your credit score

The higher your credit score, the lower the interest rate you'll have to pay on your car loan.

Credit scores run between 500 and 850. Paying your bills and paying them on time are two ways to ensure that your credit score stays higher.

2. You don't have to use dealer financing

Call your bank first to get pre-approved for a loan. Having your own financing lined up gives you a little bit a room to negotiate with the dealer as well. They might be willing to beat your bank’s interest rate just for the sake of getting the loan. In that case, go with the dealer’s lender and you both win.

3. Your bank can tell you interest rates

They can also offer you options for the number of years you will be paying and what your new payments should be.

Click here to use a Car Payment Calculator if you’d like to just get a ballpark idea before you call the bank.

These first three pieces of information will be helpful to you as you begin negotiating pricing and interest rates with any dealer. Sometimes they can beat your bank’s rates, sometimes they can't. It’s always a good thing to have this Plan B so you get the best loan possible for your budget.

4. Your insurance company can tell you what you'll have to pay for insurance

Call your insurance company with the year, make & model of the car you want to buy. They can then tell you what your monthly insurance payments will be.

When you add that to your new car payments, along with the cost of gas (explained next), you can then decide if you can really afford that new car or if you should consider a different one.

5. You can calculate what it's going to cost you for gas each week

Here’s how to do the math:

How big is the gas tank on the new car? (20 gallons, for instance.)
Multiply that by the cost of gas per gallon. (20 gallons X $2.50/gallon = $50 cost per tank of gas.)
Then how many miles per fill-up does this new car get? (25 miles per gallon x 20 gallons = 500 miles on a tank of gas.)
500 miles per tank divided by your 70-mile commute per day = 7.14 days of driving on one tank of gas that cost you $50
If you want just 5 days cost, divide that $50 by 7.14 days to find the cost per day which is right around $7 per day.
Now multiply that $7 per day by 5 days for a typical work week, which is $35. Or multiply it by 30 days for the month, giving you your monthly cost of gas.

After you add the new car payments to the insurance cost, you can now add the cost of gas per month and decide if you can really afford this car.

6. You are not required to purchase an extended warranty

Almost all new cars these days have such incredible factory warranties, that paying an extra $500 or $1000 for another one is really just a waste of money. Know that the markup on those policies is about 300% - it’s almost pure profit for the dealer – and the cost will be rolled into your car loan so that you'll be paying interest on that too, as well as the car loan, until the car is paid for.

Now, if you are buying a used car, I would say you might want to consider it. Just be very clear on what that warranty covers. Basic car maintenance (wear-and-tear items and routine scheduled maintenance) is rarely covered.

7. It is OK to walk away if you don't feel comfortable with the dealer, the transaction, or the the car itself

So what if you’ve been talking for two hours; your time is just as valuable as theirs and ultimately, it’s your wallet, not theirs. You owe them nothing – selling is their job – so don’t feel bad.

Now that you are armed with all the costs related to buying a car, you can make a better decision when you walk into a dealership. (Click here to save and print a 99c PDF to carry with you so you don’t forget it all when you get caught up in the excitement of test driving the car!) That in itself will make the whole buying process that much more fun and stress-free.

Have fun!

Jan

10 Things You Should Know About Contracts

Dick Knuth June 20, 2018 Business of Life Leave a Comment

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I've listed these suggestions in order of importance, based on my experience with my kids as well what I've heard from their friends.

People who ask you to sign contracts don't necessarily know what's in them. And they don't like you to ask any questions!

I learned this the hard way when renting my first apartment in a new state. The landlord said, “don’t bother cleaning when you move out because they always pay someone to come in and clean and then automatically and deduct a flat fee of $125 from the deposit.”

Hmm…The contract said I (the tenant) was responsible for cleaning the apartment when moving out. When I asked, the landlord had no idea about that because they “had been doing it this way for years.”

Interesting how many years she’d been getting away with not giving tenants the opportunity to get back their entire deposit.

No contract is "routine"

That only means the people asking you to sign them uses them a lot, but it doesn’t mean they know or understand what’s in them as I pointed out above. And it certainly doesn’t mean you know what’s in them. Most people might see the same contract to buy a car, for instance, 4-5 times in a lifetime. And there is no guarantee that the wording hasn’t changed in the years since you signed your first one. Same with credit cards and especially with buying homes. Don’t “fall” for this very common pressure tactic!

3. Regardless of what's in a contract, you are both legally responsible for its content

But, when you sign a contract with a business rather than just between two people such as the sale of a used car, I’d say between you and a business, you probably have the most to lose if you renege on said contract. Which leads into this next point,

4. Know what "Breach of Contract" means

It basically means that if one person does not do what they agreed to do in a contract, then that person is in “breach” of the contract. People get sued for breach of contract all the time.

A simple example is when you buy a car. You sign a contract with a dealer that says you will pay so much per month in car payments for however long it takes you to pay off the price (loan) of the car. In return, the dealer allows you to drive the car even though you don’t technically own it yet. If you stop making payments, however, you are in “breach of contract” and the dealer has every right to take the car back (that process is called a “repossession”).

Oh, and you will lose in court if you decide to “go after them.”

5. You should read all contracts before signing them

Look at the fine print for details such as any definition of what a late payment might look like (one minute past the due date, one day, one week, one month?) and what kind of fees are attached to that? Some contracts have late fees that increase as time goes by. Is there a grace period? Sometimes utilities and mortgage companies have those.
Look for any “pre-payment” penalties. This means if you pay off a loan early they will charge you a huge fee. The reason for that is because in essence, when you pay off a loan early, you are preventing them from collecting interest on the remaining length of the loan. Most companies really don’t like that because it’s less money for them.
Look for the details on those “no interest for 12 months” deals too: That’s not always what you think it is.
Many companies count on customers to NOT read contracts and to NOT ask questions before signing them. This allows them to sneak in crazy high-interest rates, late fees, random “administrative” fees and weird penalties.

6. You must question anything you don't understand

Do not let them rush you! They will always try to do this (because they are sooo busy and their time is much more valuable than yours-not!) thus preventing you from finding the details. So don’t ever feel stupid asking questions, or calling a friend to ask questions.

Remember the first point I made about them not knowing? Many companies update and change contracts more often than you change your underwear. In the real estate and banking industries for instance, the government changes regulations all the time which leads to new versions of contracts being created on a regular basis. Combine this with the fact that most employees are usually kept pretty busy during their work day and don’t always have time to sit down on the job and read up on all the changes. They also aren’t very likely to want to do this on their off time. In most cases, they are probably learning when someone, like you, asks questions.

So, again, do not be afraid to ask questions and do not ever assume the sales reps are smarter than you are: That is a huge disservice to you!

7. Be prepared to walk away for ANY reason at all!

Before you sign a contract, you have every right to walk away for any reason.

For instance:

If a salesperson cannot explain any part of the contract.
You do not understand or agree with any part of the contract.
You simply changed your mind.
You don’t like the personality, looks, or smell of the salesperson.

And you are not obligated to explain why you are walking away, regardless of what they say or if they threaten you with some sort of made up legal action.

These are sales people and yes they will probably be pissed if you walk away after all the time they may have spent with you, but that’s one of the risks they take by being in sales.

It is not illegal for you to walk away if you have NOT signed anything – regardless of anything that was said.

8. It is very rare that a verbal agreement is legally binding or enforceable

Surprisingly enough, there are a few exceptions to this rule. From what I’ve read, if you are dealing with horses or cattle, verbal agreements that are confirmed with a handshake are legally binding.

I’ve also read that when it comes to an engagement, the ring is a sign that one has legally agreed to be married. When a woman breaks the engagement she is legally obligated to return the ring because it was given to “seal the deal.” (It’s up the to the guy on whether or not he wants it back, but it’s still kind of interesting, isn’t it?)

If you are ever thinking you might find yourself in this kind of situation, do some homework: This gray area differs from state to state and per each situation.

9. If you are over 18, your signature is legally binding

If you aren’t, then it’s not.

Contracts can only be legally signed and enforced when both people signing it are over the age of 18. That’s pretty much the “legally an adult” age in the entire USA when it comes to contracts and most laws.

The only exception that I know of might be in regards to getting married. And remember, 18 or not, if marriage is legal at 16 in your state, it too is a very legally binding financial agreement.

10. How to handle doubts

Lastly, if you are ever in serious doubt about a contract that could make or break your business or seriously affect your finances or lifestyle, you should always call a lawyer that specializes in whatever business said contract is all about. In many situations, such as a buying a car, renting an apartment, or financing your first refrigerator, you can always ask a friend or family member with some experience in that arena. You might even want to bring them with you to guide you through the process. (I did this with both my kids when they bought their first car.) But if they have no experience with the type of contract you’re dealing with, contact a lawyer. Your family or friends may not be equipped to represent you in a court of law if it ever comes to that and you really don’t want to get into that sticky situation.

I hope this information prevents you from getting yourself into any sort of legally binding financial agreement that you don’t fully understand.

Your comments or suggestions are always welcome: Leave them here on my site or email me at jan@janetmnast.com