1. Spend TIME with your kids.

Notice this is number one on my list. That’s because it’s the most important for kids, as well as adults in any relationship. Now, most people would say that’s the problem, no time. Well, you’ll be happy to hear that all you need is one good quality hour a day! Seriously!

TIME was my “secret sauce” for raising my kids!

Yes, I understand when you’re up at the crack of dawn getting breakfast and kids dressed, then running off to daycare or school, no, there’s no time really to have any quality time. I get that. But you do have the evenings:

I had to pick up my kids from daycare (or after-school care when they got older) by 6 pm or I’d be charged $5 for every minute I was late. But I still had to fix dinner and deal with homework. There’s your time: while I was fixing dinner the kids were in the kitchen with me usually talking my ear off. (I wouldn’t let them go out and play while I was doing this because it would take too long to round them up again.) Then every dinner we sat at the table and continued to talk.

Did you get that? In the kitchen, talking and listening to each other, and then at the TABLE! Every, single night!

2. Show affection with your kids: HUGS, kisses and holding hands.

Hugs give everyone a sense of security that can never be taken away. It’s the best way to let your children know that you love them and are there for them even when times are tough. Kids need to know this.

There a quite a few opportunities in a day when you can make that physical connection with them:

• Pick your baby/child up and wrap your arms around her when she falls down.
• Hold your baby’s hand during those first few steps and keep on doing it every time you walk together.
• Give him a hug when you see the awful look of disappointment on his face when he doesn’t get an “A” on that report (for which he worked so hard).
• Whenever you and your kids are walking together, hold hands or wrap your arms around each other’s waists.
• Make sure your kids hold hands with each other, too. Hey, you’re all part of the same family!
• Kiss the “owie” on her knee while holding her hand.

If you start the “hug habit” when your babies are newborns, it’ll be so easy and so natural to continue it with them through their toddling years, their adolescent years, their teenage years (even when many kids think they’re “too cool” to be seen with Mom), all the way up to adulthood.

3. LISTEN to your kids.

God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Even if they barely know two words and the rest is just garble, be quiet and listen. Kids at every age truly believe they’re saying something important. At least it’s important to them. I know weird, but it’s true. So, even if you don’t understand a word they’re saying...

• Look at them when they talk or attempt to talk. Your kids are watching your facial expressions, that’s how they know you are listening.
• Respond to them when they talk...one word or sound works: “Hmmm, “yes,” “no,” “that’s interesting,” is probably all you need with babies and toddlers.
• Adolescents and teens usually only want a “sounding board,” so one-word responses usually suffice. However, and only when asked, you’ve got to be prepared to offer your opinions and advice.
• So listen to your kids when they tell you about that fascinating beetle they found on the way home from school.
• And listen while your son or daughter talks and cries about the “owie” in their heart because they just got their feelings hurt by a friend.

More importantly, listen to them when they talk about their friends, other kids or teachers. This is what gives you a clue as to what’s going on in their lives, how they feel about it and how it affects their world outside your home.

This is such an important part of raising kids, that I’ve addressed it a few times in the book: Check out the section about when you might be able to do this on page 66 and then “Listening Skills” on page 69 for more help.

Keep your mouth shut:

• Don’t interrupt. I like the 3-second rule: This means when someone finishes talking, pause for three seconds. This gives them the opportunity to keep talking if they haven’t yet completed a thought and it gives you time to think about what you might say as well as what effect it might have on the conversation. Keeping your kids talking is a good idea because the more they talk, the more you find out about your child and what’s going on in his or her life.
• Don’t direct the entire conversation by sharing your similar stories (from “when you were a kid” because they really don’t care).
• Don’t quiz them.
• Don’t hand out advice if they don’t ask for it.
• Don’t share what they tell you with your friends and relatives.
• And whatever you do, don’t judge them!

4. Set and enforce BOUNDARIES and RULES.

I know this sounds kind of weird, but really, this shows that you care about your kids’ behavior, health and welfare. Also, you are teaching them how they will be expected to act when they are teenagers and eventually grownups. So to begin,

• Don’t ever assume your kids know what you mean or expect of them. Explain or show them exactly what you expect them to do and how to do it if they look at you like you have four heads. (This is kind of like dealing with grownups too, right?)
• Yes, you will have to tell them a thousand times! Get over it!
• Set and enforce bedtimes because that leads to enforcing curfews.

Kids need sleep and so do you so you all can function the next day. C’mon, you must know that this becomes a safety issue too, right? Surely you don’t want your 14-year-old daughter arguing about staying out till 11 pm on a school night, do you? (I mean, the mall is closed so where would she want to go at that hour anyway?) Not to mention the fight it’ll take to wake her up at the crack of dawn the next morning.

• Teach your little ones to sit on chairs at the dinner table; standing up and screaming shouldn’t be acceptable in any situation. It’s annoying and dangerous if they fall. Besides, you don’t want your kids to be “those kids” who are climbing on furniture in public or at a friend’s house when they’re 15 do you?
• Assign them age-appropriate household chores as soon as they can walk. That might be putting their toys in a toy box every night, taking things to the trash can for you, or helping you to push the buttons to start the washing machine or the dishwasher. As they get older you can show them how to sort laundry or load the dishwasher.
• Remind them as to when these things need to be done: Put toys away every night before bedtime, trash to be put in can immediately, laundry is done on Wednesdays, dishes immediately after dinner, etc.
• PRAISE them when they help. Even if they do something a bit wrong. (More on that in Must Do #7, below.) I admit it, housework sucks. But that’s why you need to start your kids on some of this stuff at a really early age while they still think it’s fun to “help mom.” Your praise is what’s going to keep them doing these things as they grow up because they will eventually take pride in their own good work.

  The other bonus is that your kids will know what it means to pick up after themselves, make their bed, do their own laundry and wash their own dishes when they finally decide to move out and live on their own. Pretty clever don’t you think?

• If you don’t like cursing in your household, tell them which words are acceptable to use or not use. I’m sure you can imagine how this one can bite you in the butt when they get to school.

5. PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH

Aka, Set a good example of what good behavior looks like.
The easiest way to enforce your rules and boundaries mentioned above is for everyone to follow the same exact rules. I think we all know that our kids are little parrots because YouTube is full of funny kid videos. So you know where they learn this stuff, right? Set them up for good behavior and therefore success down the road by watching your own behavior.

6. TELL your kids, as often as you possibly can, how much you love them.

Ken Blanchard always says, "Keep your 'I love yous up to date! "
This is a good plan for everyone in your life! Here are some opportunities where you can do that:

• Each time you part ways for the day (daycare, school, work, drugstore runs), exchange hugs and "I love yous."
• Greet each other every day when you wake up with a "Good morning, sweetheart/honey (or whatever rolls off your tongue), I love you so much!"
• Each night when you go to bed, tuck your babies in with a hug and a kiss and an "I love you."
• Say "I love you" each time you finish a phone call with them. (I still do that with both my grown kids even though my son still doesn't say it back: I'm still the mom so it's my "job.")
• Or say it just because you feel it any time of the day or night.

7. Use Positive Reinforcement and PRAISE.

Remember those boundaries and rules in Must Do #4? When your children are still toddlers they are just beginning to learn so most things they attempt to help you with are going to be, shall I say, less than perfect? Regardless, you need to encourage them with some praise because if you don't, asking for their help will be a nightmare. So,

• When they do help even when the outcome is less than perfect, thank them for their help.
• When they help and it's all good, thank them and praise them for a job well done.
• Tell your kids that you're proud of them on a regular basis.
• Tell them that they're great kids and you really enjoy being with them.